Steady River

Steady, steady, flowing,
The water flowing over me,
Calming me.
Waiting, waiting for the time,
The time to come and go,
Calling me.
Picking, picking, pick me up
Up, up, and away.
Never floating far away.
Rolling, tumbling, through the wade
wading closer to you
And now I think I found the truth
The truth was always you


The ex, the father, the friend.

We broke up right before my son was born. Ok I say we, but it was me who broke up with him. Horrible communication led us to desert each other when we needed each other the most. I can’t name just one thing that made me make the decision I did about the future, but I do know that it cost me almost six years of a life with a family. But maybe it was a cost worth paying. The time we were separated made both of us grow as people. people who weren’t dependent on another person for happiness, people who wanted to become the best us possible before we became an us.

We have known each other since we were eleven and twelve. We stayed friends through high school. Like most people after high school you tend to lose track of people and this was especially true since he was two grades ahead of me. He did date ne of my friends for a long time and that helped me keep tabs on him till I too was out of high school. It took another two years, which seemed like five to me, before we saw each other again. We started hangin out and doing things together, then after a while it was getting intimate. too fast and too soon my son was born. By that time we had drifited apart again. Me tryin to grow up and him not quite realizing what grown up was. We were 21 and 22.  I was scared and did not know if that was the right path for me, scared of being a family, scared of everything.

For a long time afterward I was mad and filled with anger. Why did he not fight for me and his son, why would he let me walk away? Then when we finially did do some growing I began to wonder if there would ever be a right time for us.

Now might be that time. We have started dating again and we are both optimistic about the future. Taking it slow, learning new things about each other and discovering ways in which we have grown. I am hoping for an exciting time getting to work things out with one of my best friends who has been there for me even through court battles and drama to let me vent in anger. The one who has been there to do mosre for his son than I imagined and more than my daughters father ever thoight about doing for her (during the six years we were seperated I had another baby, whose father also left me when I was pregnant). He is willingly to look past the fact there are mpre kids here than he has biologically and that is great. He makes me proud lately with the way he handles himself and situations and its rather shown me that people are constantly changing. And lots of times it is for the better.

To new beginnings!


I try not to send my son to school hopped up on sugar, but we love pancakes! So sugar-free syrup with whole wheat pancakes (don’t tell him some have zucchini and carrot in them!) and we always try to have some kind of fruit in the morning. Our favorites are grapes, strawberries, blackberries, pineapples, and peaches. I discovered those mini pancakes made in mini muffin tins and sometimes we make a large batch and have several of our favorite toppings including sugar-free chocolate chips.
Have you ever tried buying sugar free foods and ever looked in the ingredients. Half the things (especially gums and yogurts) have aspartame in it. Yeah, the cancer causing sweetener that the food industry discovered. Artificial sweeteners are so bad for you but they are in soooo many things. Why? Cheap and easy and can be mass produced. So in our sugar-free haze we soon learned that it didn’t mean just reading the sugar content in the nutrition label but the ingredients as well. Meats….added sugars. “Healthy” cereals….added sugars.
I felt as if we were going to drown. Drown in syrups and carcinogens.
Even if I read the labels and try to find sugar free foods most are still sweetened with something ( honey, agave nectar). These are all natural but for a five year old boy with ADHD these still add tons of sugar to his diet.
The only way to try and get the least amount of sugar with any food is by preparing it yourself. This went right along with my personality because I love making food and cooking for my family. It has always seemed the thing to do, but I needed a real push to get me going. And this was it.
Pancakes (any baking) – make with stevia or just add fruit
Get fresh meats from your butcher
Grow your own veggies and fruits or get locally farmed ones
White pastas , bread and potatoes are a no no. (act as simple sugars in blood spiking the glycemic index faster than sweet potatoes)
No Added Sugars ( should not be within first five ingredients or at all 🙂 )

Transformations :0

During the year I lost, I worked on controlling my sons ADHD, pushing him through school, signing with my daughter (no she is not hearing impaired, we just love signing!), and discovering who I really am and what I want to do. First, I learned that controlling my sons ADHD was never gonna work and I needed a different strategy. Now we are learning how to MANAGE our ADHD. Simple word changes can help also change your attitude about how you feel towards your situation.


We have changed diets, or more accurately added to our diet restrictions. I do not make my son do this alone, I eat the food with him, however, I do allow myself extra sugary sweets because I am entitled to enjoy myself. So now we are low carb, no added sugars, no dyes, no anything else we don’t like as well 🙂 We stick to wheat and whole grain breads and flours. Stevia has entered my house along with crazy items like coconut flour, and almond meal. It has been quite an experience to say the least and a battle as well. Of course no five-year old wants to find out they can not have sugar or their favorite snacks. He even went as far to tell me “Mom, I don’t think this diet is working, I should probably eat sugar again. ” Hmmm, yeah I think you can have sugar, just in moderation and only during certain times of the day or week.


Adding more spiritual activities and rituals into the kid’s life can help increase their own awareness and provide support for beliefs. Because we are pagan there are many things we can do for each holiday and through the rest of the year as well. Planting seeds and making a fairy garden for Mayday and Beltane. Banishing emotion rituals during Samhain. Going on walks just to watch nature and discuss ways to care for it and treat it. I’m falling behind this year due to my increasingly full schedule. But we will not stop just because we fall behind. I myself am working on adding more spirituality to my daily life so I can help my children do the same.


Behavior affects not only your own self but also those who feed off your energy. May they be the people living in your house or the person standing behind you in line. My behavior and that of my sons is not the best it could be. We have made great efforts in ending the feuds that rise up between us and taking things one step at a time. It has been very up and down as only the best rollercoaster of life could be.  I hope in the days to come I can be even better as a mother to my children. One they do not hate, or fear, or want to hit lol.


Love. Isn’t that the whole point of my blog? Not that I am very good at this blogging thing yet. Especially since taking a long hiatus but I am come back with a new source of energy. Yep, you guessed it , love. I found a job I love and will continue for years to come so long as they let me. Subbing will just be my start. I’m going to finish my degree then get my alternative teaching certificate so I can teach in my own room. Haven’t fully thought about what I want to teach, maybe forensics to match my degree or seventh grade English because of my love of the students. There are many possibilities, but one thing I know for sure. I WANT to teach. It has helped me become a more patient and understanding person which will only help me more for transformation 3. Time management, planning, implementing, structure, all are important qualities I wish to posses better understanding of. Best of all for me is it meets my time requirements. Right now as a sub, I can work when I want, I get every holiday off with my children, and every weekend off for family time. I really couldn’t ask of anything greater.

I will continue to transform my love of life and all it has to offer. No more am I waiting for things to happen. I will make them happen. Recently I did something I never thought in a million years would occur. I got the courage and strength to ask my sons father out for a date. This is huge for me and helps me to further transform my love of myself and life and people who are dear to me.

2015-03-11 02.38.54


The year I lost.

2015-02-02 10.48.35Through the year, I filled my days with sleep, poor attempts at job searching and still trying to finish my bachelors degree. Wafting through life-like a smoked filled ghost. Never seeming to touch or affect anything. Resigning to my life as a possible homeless person in the near future was weighing heavily on my mind. Thoughts of self-destructive scenarios flowed through my mind as the hours and days ticked on by with no bright outlook, and all that from a known enthusiastic optimist. The bubbles of joy that once filled my emotional state were lost to me.

About halfway through the year, I ran out of money for school and could not return till I paid them money that was owed to the school itself. I felt like rock bottom came rushing up toward me as if the ground beneath feet suddenly plummeted past sea-level. The only thing that was saving me were my parents and their incredible love and help! I thank them everyday, although not enough out loud.

The year was a busy blur that seemed lost to me. I have begun clarifying my life, my thought, and my actions. I’m working a brand new job, working my way to a better me, and working my way to family beginnings. Please continue sharing with me my love for life, crafts, my children, and everything else close to heart. Share with my faults and failures in this ever changing journey. Most importantly, joins= me to help learn to LOVE YOUR LIFE!

P.S. My next few posts will highlight the bright areas of my lost year and will then move on to share the exciting adventures I have and will have while Loving My Life.


Ive been away for a while, but moving can really take its toll especially with a newborn.  I’ve been feeling trapped lately due to my living situation. But I can’t see myself anywhere else anymore.  I love my family and now that i figure I’m starting where I’m at then it is time i freaky start getting schedules down and making sure my kids are happy and healthy.

My son may have ADD so it is important I get him on a schedule to help him focus more on daily activities.  Starting kindergarten in the fall,  he will need many more skills than just singing his alphabets and writing them.  Temper control is an important issue, one I’m most worried about.  His preschool teachers have never said anything about him getting angry in class but I might hear current stories in public school.
He is such a sweet boy,  I just have to learn how to help him stay sweet and figure the best ways for him to learn and achieve the very best he can be.
I’ve never been good at schedules, so this change not only affects him but me as well.  But will get our baby girl on a schedule early on.  Maybe this will help teach him what is expected of him and give him expectations of me as well.

It’s hard being a mom. I’m never sure what I should be doing, and with my school and the new baby (and sometimes a lack of motivation) i in get caught up in letting people run their own thing.  I need to change and be the mom I know I can.

I made his first schedule today.  A weekly schedule with the time slots filled from wake to bed.  Some of the activities may not take a long as I planned for or other events, but that just leaves room for flexibility.  Which is key to any good schedule, in my opinion. The next schedule will be foods to eat.  He is quite picky at my house and eats a select group of foods. I would like him to expand on this and add more variety.  Some days he can have his lovely cereal, but others we need oatmeal,  toast,  fruits and this forces me to get involved by cooking at least one or two breakfasts a week.
His schedules are almost as much for him as for me, and I will sacrifice any time to make my kids happy.

Cleaning dance!

Cleaning can be such a wonderful activity.  I actually like getting up turning my tv to Pandora and just cleaning with my son.  Mostly we listen to toddler radio or my beatles station (based off the movie “across the universe”). It makes the day brighter and gives fun to a normally boring job. 

  It can even be exercise if done right.  Dance around while dusting or vacuuming! Or take breaks and dance to a song in between tasks,  or your favorite ones.  It’s always fun to stop and play hokey pokey :).  This gets the kids involved and makes better memories.  Kids will want to do chores and begin requesting them. 

Doing the chores helps teach our kids values ‘about’ life,  doing chores while dancing teaches them the value ‘of’ life and the joy you can experiencelb doing simple things that at first seem a bore. 

Live and love life. Today is the day to start. 


True love….I want you back

Band hall, that is where I first saw you
Where I knew I had to have you
Hair in your face and lips I could trace
Holes in your jeans and holes in your heart
I wanted to fix, instead I tore it apart

Young and stupid, crude was my love
Not refined by experience
You turned away from me
I wish then I could of seen
The way I looked to you

Now I know what I want from you
I want to wait until I can truly love you
Wait until you are ready
If you ever welcome me
In your arms I will be
Till death do us part
Or you will remain
Forever in my heart.

ALD – my “first true” love

JWC – My only real love


People assume that what you were like five minutes ago is what you will be like five minutes from now. However, this is not true. We are constantly changing. Synapses in our brains are always changing and this can affect the way we think and even the way we act. Most times the changes are so subtle you think you always thought like this, but other times it seems as though everything you once thought is now turned upside down.

Things like this especially happen during and after a major event or trauma in our life. It seems to only make sense that our way of thinking changes when we are faced with new, scary, and even exciting circumstances. Do not fault others for changing. We have to either accept their new views or try to change ourselves as well. Adaptation is a great defense and offense mechanism granting us the ability to keep moving forward.

Even after already being a mother with my first child, my thoughts and thought process changed even more when I became pregnant with my second child. This I can not help but felt that others like my SO should have accepted these changes and moved forward with me. It did not happen and now I am a single mother once again. Changes come and go and we are left forever marked by them. Adapt to the new ways and let go of the old, or make the old ways become new again.